My Story

**PLR = positive life radio @ 104.9fm
**FB = facebook
**lol = laugh out loud (in case anyone who doesn't frequent the internet should visit)

(originally began unexpectedly as a posting to PLR's FB, March 25, 2011 for "Faith Filled Fridays" where people call or write in to tell how God is at work in their lives. I wanted to call today but was too chicken :) When I went to check my FB today, the first thing on top of my "news feed" was a posting from PLR asking people to share their story in a comment.......I had to share what God has done for me.......then I copied and pasted and just kept going.....)

I couldn't bring myself to call and actually SAY this...

Until three days ago, I was not a real Christian...I was an "almost Christian." I have only even been going to church for about a year, and I really thought it was "changing" me, but when I sit back and let myself be honest...I have just been going through all the motions...regular church attendance, bible studies, etc...even got baptized in October of last year (hoping I'd come out of the water REALLY different), but I did not KNOW Jesus. I hadn't been fruitful, and I couldn't feel or see God in my life really...well, not much; a little now and then. I was just trying to get there. And I even recently over the past couple months started giving up. Dropped out of going to my women's ministry, then eventually stopped going to church altogether.....(kind of shutting God out.)

**some background on my relationship with my parents, and myself really......i was pretty much an only child. My 3 brothers were all 15+ years older and had already moved out before I started retaining memories. I was a "surprise" I suppose. I have been told my whole life that my parents didn't want anymore kids and that had I been a boy or had any kind of disability (my mom was 45), they would have aborted me. Well, when I came I guess they treasured me, or would SAY so for a few years. I was pretty much the typical straight-A kid all through school. It for some reason never felt like enough though. I never felt like I could do anything "good enough" to make my parents TRULY proud of me. We began to grow apart when I was in H.S. which I just assumed was typical. They hated my boyfriend, and I wouldn't hear about it, lol. I graduated with a scholarship to Gonzaga University, and decided to go into pre-med. They were thrilled!! FINALLY......I was doing what THEY would love and be PROUD of me for. But then I got pregnant. I switched my major to nursing to lighten my load, but eventually I had to drop out after my 3rd semester and therefore forfeit my scholarship. "You are a dirty wh*re! You are a disgrace to this family and you put mud on my ancestors' faces! Don't even come to my funeral!" That was the first thing out of my mom's mouth when I told her. Believe it or not, this was pretty typical of my mother. She is a hot-tempered Korean lady who stands about 5' even, and she has a fury about her that would scare even the devil. She had always said really hurtful things while I was growing up (not just to me, to my dad and brothers too) and then would never talk about it or how it made anyone feel....REFUSED to let me talk about it to her, would just ignore me....and then when SHE decided it was time, she would act like everything was okay. I learned to just go along with it because it was easier. When I was about 5-6 months pregnant is when my mom decided it was time to pretend again that we had a great relationship. She wanted to "be there for the baby." After I had my first daughter, her dad and I split up and I was a single mom doing it ALL alone (emotionally) for about 2 years (with monetray help from my parents). I'm not gonna lie...in those two years I was a great mom during the week and a party-er on the weekends while my daughter went to my brother's house. I did a lot of things (and people) I regret. Then I reconnected with a dear friend from my childhood through good ol' myspace. We got married too fast without knowing each other well enough. Both of us wanted to be "complete" and took it as "fate" bringing us together out of the blue. I believe we were both expecting marriage to "fix" each of us....or give us what we were wanting/missing. Anywhoo, we got married @ The Hitching Post (on a whim... 13 days after first seeing each other face to face...got engaged on day #2) with half of our families missing and in jeans and "nice" shirts, lol, and then proceeded to moved my whole life down to the GREAT (dripping with sarcasm) state of Texas. Right in the armpit of it too.....Ft. Hood. We were playing happy-married-couple-trying-to-have-a-baby for a few months. Then I found out that my new husband had JUST gotten DUMPED my his FIANCE a month or so before marrying ME. Nice... Well, I wanted out. Planned on moving home. Told him I wanted to get a divorce (annulment wasn't an option). Then found out I was pregnant...... YAY! Not really.....TRAPPED. Well, "let's make this work for the baby" was my attitude, and his too. We "tried"......yelling and fighting the whole way. Then he deployed and that is when things totally fell apart. I just knew it was never going to be right with him. I regretted getting married. I moved back home and started the divorce process. During this time (don't judge me) I woke up one day to realize that I was completely in love with Cj. And honestly DID NOT want to be. He was my best friend for over a year. He was the only person I felt like truly cared about me and my feeling without selfish motives. It was too complicated. Life was too much a mess. Anyone reading this can think/say whatever you like....I agonized over my WRONG feelings.....it tore me apart because I still cared about my husband and did not want to hurt him. I just wasn't IN LOVE with him, and knew I never would be. We were never right to begin with. When my divorce was complete, Cj and I moved in together. My parents HATED Cj (they blamed him), and the whole path of my life since H.S. pretty much. They loved my Army (soon to be) ex-husband when they knew NOTHING about him except his rank. (My family is a bunch of ex-military guys.) My mom, during the divorce process, told me that if I went through with it I would no longer be a part of the family. My (closest...at the time) brother and his family stopped talking to me after I told them the truth about my feelings. Everyone was judging me and condemning me and they knew NOTHING of the truth or what I was feeling...and wouldn't really LISTEN to me when I was trying to pour out my heart about it..... they were all just acting off of their own assumptions. I made the decision then to live my life for ME and MY FAMILY and not my PARENTS from that point forward, and things have never really been very good since.** (Please understand that now, 2012, having more perspective....I do not condone close relationships with the opposite sex while in a committed relationship. And I certainly do NOT condone divorce.)

Two weeks ago, after what I considered to be a minor argument compared to usual ones over the years, my parents told me that they did not want to see or talk to me anymore....ever. "Don't come to the house; don't call." It absolutely destroyed me... and my children. Did I pray? No. Did I do anything I have learned the past year??!! NO!! Instead, I allowed the enemy to take me to the deepest, darkest place that I have ever been. I literally laid in bed for days without eating, drinking much, or even going to the bathroom....just rolling side to side, drifting in and out of sleep and losing track of life (please know the kids were being taken care of by people I trust, primarily Cj). I painted the most horrid paintings (ex. "self" portrait.....not yet brave enough to post it publicly...may not ever be), wrote the most painful things, and I did other things I do not even wish to think about. I lost myself....my mind...almost my soul I think.  I have been afraid to tell anyone this but Cj, but I was even FEELING the enemy's presence. I could hear sort of menacing half-whispers, and see glimpses of shadows out of the very far corners of my eyes in my room while I was laying there in the quiet, dark. I let my mind go in such a fast downward spiral of self-hate and just EVERY negative emotion, and I let the enemy into my thoughts like never before. (I never even believed the devil could be such a real thing, that it was ever anyone besides myself saying those things in my head.....but during this time, I could feel the difference. Almost like I was surrounded my multiple demons, with different ways of attack and different personalities themselves.)

The following was so of God.

Through FB, a friend from H.S. contacted me out of the blue a few weeks before "the final talk." I was being antisocial kind of (she is a good Christian, and I didn't want that or wasn't ready)....but she sent me uplifting words anyway, and prayed for me, along with my loved ones. I cannot even choose words to describe the moment (yes, real moment like one second!) I literally "snapped out" of my dark place, it would take my whole life to attempt to accomplish. It happened three days ago. I literally came out of my room (which I had locked myself into and everyone out of) a different person. I could for some reason FEEL God's love for ME. It clicked. And I could feel something towards other people that I never have. Empathy. I tend to be a "know it all" and I have an attitude issue that I struggle with because of that. I also have problems listening really and trying to learn from others. For some reason I have been able to see and feel others' perspectives and it has allowed me to actually listen now. I haven't watched tv, and I have talked more with people in the past couple days than probably the past couple months! I believe God transformed my heart.....and now thinking about it, He was only able to because I finally let it be open....I had no choice, it was SO broken. I was.

This was followed by a series of revelations (never thought I'd be able to use this word in application to me) God gave to me that I cannot even type about because it also would take me my lifetime! He just began showing truths to me left and right. Like things started to make sense. How to live a REAL life made sense. I keep saying I feel like I am going to explode with everything God is revealing to me and putting in my heart. The most intense and concrete for me as an academic and science brained person was this...a video post from another friends FB (one that lives states away and used to tell me about Jesus years ago when I wouldn't listen and told her she was silly...I keep reflecting now about our conversations).

Here is different link that I found trying to find the best all encompassing but unbiased link  http://www.snopes.com/glurge/laminin.asp
 **Please take time to look at this link ad read it......it will make all the rest of this story make SO much more sense :) It also includes the video I mentioned above **

This combined with further reading in Colossians 1:24-27 (esp 26 &27).... 

²⁴ Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵ I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory,

prompted by my boyfriend (only WISH I was the one who thought of reading more first, lol) has changed me in a way that I can see, feel, taste......I thought all those sayings like "a new creation" and such were metaphors. I can feel it now. This was PROOF. Yup, I said it. SCIENCE MEETS GOD PROOF!!!! Songs speak to me more. God speaks to me more. And I KNOW it is because I am finally opening my heart truly and SEEKING Him. He just had to take me through the trenches to make me see I can trust in Him first above all else, even myself :) I can even worship like never before and raise my hands and sing proudly now! I can be one of those people I used to think was "weird" because it's only me for God when I worship now. Before I always was too shy and worried about others hearing me or judging me. It makes me feel levels of joy I have never experienced. And for a few moments I don't care about what anyone thinks at all.